"Who The Fuck Knows?"

You know people are always talking about this happy place, a place in your mind or in reality where everything melts away. The stress and the worry, where there is no war, no fighting, no crying, screaming or fear, no tears just perfect contentment.

On form four camp, on our way down the mountain I found a spot where the sunlight broke through the leaves in little beams, the floor was covered by soft leaves and there was a stream. This I thought to myself is my happy place. That when told to find it I would think of this.

 At this point in my life I'm really confused about a lot of things, life, love, future, past. You could say I need some guidance but each new person to give me advice kind of just builds on the knowledge of what I already have. It seems that I have a lot of thinking to do. In terms on where this path that I'm making for myself is going to go, the scariest thing though is that this is a path I'm creating myself, I have no mentors, no rolemodel and no one to seek advice from. No one has walked my path. At least when I wanted to play for Liverpool I had Gerrard, Ian Rush, Robbie Fowler and John Barnes to look up to, and say "hey this is how Rushie did it, that's what I'm going to do!" Today my cousin said that our biggest disadvantage is that our family isn't loaded. That we knew that whatever we did its fine because we had something to fall back on.

 I don't think I have a happy place yet. I've really being trying to find this Utopia, but I just can't. Maybe it is due to the fact that I'm struggling to find myself to realise who I am? What's my purpose? or maybe its because I'm struggling to see a point to a lot of things.

I tried this meditation thing, and like I did it in stages:
Stage 1: Pray
Stage 2: Reflect
Stage 3: Think (this takes a hell of a long time because unfortunately I tend to think about EVERY little detail)
Stage 4: Stop thinking (Yes this is a stage because it's really hard)
Stage 5: Get negativity out your body and
Stage 6: Nothing...
I found this really calming, because in the 20minutes that I did this I felt completely calm afterwards, I fell back on my pillow and had the best nights sleep I've ever had. That state of nothingness calmed me.

 I've recently been watching a hell of a lot of documentaries, one of witch was this guy who for two and a half years walled along the Amazon river. He started where. The first droplets are formed on the snow capped mountains of Peru and then along the tributary. He started off with a mate and two months in this guy pulled out, it was effectively on him and his guide. For two and a half years this guy trekked stopping at villages along the way, walking through hostile drug smuggling territory. This amazed me as I thought "Shit all that time! You must come out knowing exactly who you are, this guy had an amazing amount of mental strength."

I feel that I need something like that. No distractions, no phone, no TV not anything. Dump me somewhere isolated and let me figure out this puzzle in my head that just happens to be my life. Let find importance of the little things again, instead of seeing how it fits in the big picture. I need an expedition of self discovery to find my path, because right now "Who the fuck knows?".

 So in terms of finding your happy place? First you got to figure out what makes you happy, and to find that you have got to know who you are.