One-on-one Against Myself

I had this dream that I was driving a round with this chick who suggested that I go visit a boy that had been my friend. So we drove there and I saw his mother who the random girl who was with me sat down and started talking. The mom said to me, he is outside as usual, but they seemed to be happy and I couldn't understand why. So I walked outside and there was like one of those back yard half basketball half courts. Basically just square of cement a hoop and funny lines painted on it. From a distance this kid seemed good and when he saw me come through the sliding door a huge smile came across his face and he ran and jumped on me. He was clearly ecstatic to see me. Couldn't say I felt the same, but it wasn't like a "oh my word I don't want to be here feeling" it was although I knew already that something was wrong and I didn't know how to act..

So like all the best ice breakers in the world we played sport! A game of one-on-one basketball! We where jolling, but this kid owned me, solid dribbled me and scored from long distances. Still I wasn't surprised, then something happened. This kid was saying "Ow, ouch" every time he breathed out. It was clearly painful for him to breath! So I asked him if he wanted to continue playing (because yet again I was not shocked at his "problem") I felt bad though like really bad! Here was this little kid, brilliant at basketball even though he had the potential he would never make it to the big leagues, I cried then and there in my dream.

My sleep broke then and there I woke up to find tears streaming down my face! I didn't want to go back to sleep in fear of this kid reminding me of how lucky I am. I said a prayer thanking God for my talents and that I am able to play my sports in a perfectly healthy body.

I'm now lying in bed kind of disturbed at the events of last night. Trying to figure out what this dream meant. I came to the conclusion of two things, limitation of potential or love hurts, maybe even both.

I believe that as a baby our potential is endless but as we grow up the world and people around us start to limit this potential of our so as to meat there needs, and to make sure society functions as its supposed to. Like Professor X does to Gene Grey on X-men 3 he limits her potential in fear of what she might become! So this kids limit to his potential is that if he plays ball he will die as his respiratory system can't handle it. Yet he pushes himself. What's stopping you and me from going out there and absolutely dominating every situation and opportunity that comes our way? What's our excuse?! This kid pushes himself to the point of near death so that he can do what he loves! (Which brings me to my next point)

The fact that this kid is clearly in pain because of what he is doing is the part that disturbed me. Was it the fact that he is playing with death? Or that I actually looked up to him. I think that it was he goes through everyday with this pain just so that he can go outside and play basketball. He is willing to endure being uncomfortable if he can play, I think that when he is playing that's when he can forget about everything and just be happy in that moment and he knows that he would rather die in that moment than on a hospital bed. Ill speak for myself when I say that I do the same, when I'm on the turf nothing matters.

BUT with people, am I willing to be hurt by the thing (one) I love. No, flat out. I have an "endurance" level with people, I take your shit for a hell of a long time then I write you off but it takes a while for me to get there....

Shit.... That kid was me.

Craigs Life

Just reading my own blog made me realise that a lot of what I'm saying is fuelled in anger and irritation. Yes I did create this page for me to vent but its so negative. I mean one of my last blogs ends in me calling the people concerned idiots! Time for change I rate.

The thing is that although I might have profound words and ideas when I am "emotionally unstable" I make more sense when I am calm at ease but I tend to lack inspiration.

Everything in this world is balanced, and we as human beings have to keep this. I will admit that I have not been the most balanced person. I mean I have been focusing on nothing but my hard times lately (yeah call me emo) but the truth is that I have had some really awesome times between all the crappyness of my life!

I came to the realisation of this by reading a friends Blog "Famous Last Words" and he basically uses his blog to send a message, or to figure things out, reflect on good times with his closest friends.

I may have crap circumstances, but hell I live a pretty dam good life! I have awesome friends that I can ALWAYS count on! A couple family members who actually enjoy having me around. Yeah my dad fucked off but did I really enjoy life when he was around? No.

I've seemed to forgotten about how much God actually loves us, and my rage has seemed to blind me from these constant reminders. Its time for me to get positive I rate. And yeah you might say I'm the optimist, that's only because I voice the positive side. In my head are multiple reasons that are negative.

So I will say that from now on I will be more balanced about my posts. I mean its not like I got nothing good to say! I've got stories that will make you piss yourself with laughter, and that's what I want to focus on.

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I think that it is really important for us to stop focusing on the crap in our lives, and focus on the good times, the fond memories.

Just like to thank Craig Rookyard, through your blog man, you have helped me realise that life is too short to dwell on the bad times, rather focus and create good memories with good friends in the short time that we have now, whether we moving to Australia, or just living life. I wish you all the best for your future journey and I will see you again! No doubt:)
The impact you have made on my life is huge just know that and you will forever be cherished:)
So here's to the waterballons and the dead fuzzies!

Thanx bud

http://craigslifenow.blogspot.com

Midnights Slumber

My sleep is broken by visions, images that flash by.. Are these wishes?
Or plans of what I'm going to do...
Regrets of the chances not taken, or the foresight to the future that my choices will lead me to.

I think too much, sleep too little. I wake up trying to grab objects that disappear out of my reach, past goals?
Or have I just given up?

I do not sleep nor do I wake, I do but I don't? I'm in a state of nothingness and yet I still manage to think about everything and at the same time nothing at all.

The moons rush me, for I know not what I want but I know all the ways forward, the outcomes, the sacrifices. The waves will not carry me, I seem to be swimming against them.

But, is she the one I love? Or is it just me at this time. Am I attracted to her because we are completely opposite, is it in fact that I feel I don't know the whole me and I need someone else to fill that place of unknown, making do with whatever is easier, filling that place with a piece that fits but is the wrong picture.

Everyone expects it to be us, and just for that I'll deny this to hold strong to my beliefs of finding myself by myself. I am what I am now and will not change unless it I feel it necessary. Even though what I really am is lonely in a world that you cannot survive by yourself, am I this way by choice? Yes! I am trying to prove to the world that I don't need anyone to hold my hand while it takes a piss on me!

Still I find myself escaping behind a screen replacing my insecurities with a yellow smile. For I am tired of these plans, this world and these people. I want to sleep and hide under my fortress of blankets and dream, just dream for once.

Though I do not dream for to dream you need to slumber, but I shall not slumber to spite myself, when my point is proven, my legs broken, my tears dried and my voice gone. I will not slumber till my legacy lives on through my blood. Then maybe I shall slumber on the 7th day like those before me. Rest in the land of my King, like what was promised.

The Mask

Remember that movie "The Mask"? In it the character that has the mask put it on and turns into this crazy green guy who party's up a storm literally and does a whole lot of crazy shit!

This mask can be metaphorical or like literal, your game face, halloween, tribal cultures use them to ward off spirits or enemies and people hide behind personalities. All in all hiding what you truly are to give an impression of something else.

I have a few people that have masks, or in a blunt manner, are two faced! One of whom you'll never know what stance to take because it changes from hour to hour.

I just don't understand how you could be different around certain people!? Like really! I understand that people use different jargon around different groups of people but don't be two people! What's the point? Really what if one day all your different groups are together and like you don't know who to be? What you gonna do then? If you afraid that people aren't going to accept you for who you are grow the fuck up and live with it, if your are a freak there are probably ten other freaks in your are that do the same shit as you. Stop trying to be someone else and go about being yourself because who are you kidding anyway? Not me because I get irritated at you and really want to punch you in the fucking face regardless of who you are and what gender you are, fuck ill get a girl to punch you in the face for me! Just be mature about it dammit fuck!

The other type that really gets under my skin is similar but you say and act differently around general people. If you going to swear, bitch and be a total idiot at home do it out in public too! What's the point giving a good impression to people that aren't around you all the time? Its not like they give two fucks about what you doing! Really now. Stop putting on a fucking show and be yourself, because the people you live with will know that you an absolute idiot when you go home! Now I understand that in the professional world you have to uphold a certain level of respect and stuff. Yeah that's fine, but don't say one thing and do another for fuck sakes! There is even a brotip about it! Even worse don't act like the perfect person and that you do thing to the tee when you know you are contradicting yourself in the end. Even worse don't contradict yourself then at the end try and be the person you just described yourself to be. That is the stupidest thing I've ever seen before in my entire life!

God made you you for a damn reason! Why don't you live up to it and act like you! For fuck sakes already you just make yourself look like a total idiot if you don't. Its true. I am currently witnessing it been done. Idiots.